"I CAN'T"

A favorite blog I follow Kelly's Corner talks today about God's timing and waiting.  Wow, could I write a book on that?  Oh wait, I AM writing a book on that!  I never dreamed I could be so knowledgeable of such a subject...motherhood, decorating, cooking, speech therapy, yes. Waiting...no.  But, Praise God, He has trusted me with his heart to wait on Him, wait on what He has and what He IS doing. I want to share just a smidge of my story and what the LORD has been and is doing.  Maybe you would like to go there too and share your story. 

I always wanted to be a mother.  When we would play "house" as children, I begged to be the mother; while my sister pretended to be a bride, I pretended to be a mommy.  So, when I met my husband-to-be in college, we immediately began talking about children. There was never a doubt that we would have them.  I already had NAMES picked out.   It was all in the plan!  But, like I'd find many other times in my life, MY plan wasn't always HIS plan!  We were married in August 1991 and went to grad school in Tennessee.  After we left Tennessee, we began trying more intensely.    After a while I mentioned to my doctor that I had not been using birth control for well over a year and that we were not pregnant.  He ran some tests and the news was not good. We began keeping temperatures, charts, had ups and downs, I'd be sure I was pregnant only to find out, I wasn't.  We never miscarried but the month to month absence of pregnancy was so painful.  I remember thinking, "This wasn't the plan!" and "Why wouldn't the Lord give ME a child?".  I never thought to ask Him what he was doing or how He wanted me to walk in what He was doing. 

After medical procedures, tests and lots of trying, we decided that adoption might be for us.  After all, I am adopted and all of my brothers and sisters are adopted. It wasn't a foreign idea to us and it would certainly fit into MY plan.  We continued to try without success.  At the end of May, 1994, my doctor told us to take a month off and after the Fourth of July holidays we were to make another appointment with him to try a new procedure.  I remember leaving the offiice and just saying, "I give up, Lord.  I can't do it anymore".  I was tired...tired of trying, tired of disappointment. 

We were at a Fourth of July cookout when I became horribly nauseous.  I was just sure the meat was bad and even  took my husband aside and told him not to eat it! haha.  The next day, I took a pregnancy test to quiet my mother-in-law and sure enough, I was pregnant!

Now, 16 years later, after a terrible divorce that left me shattered, but praise God, put back together, the death of my precious grandmother, the loss of my brother and then recently watching my father die a painful death, I have learned more than I can write in one little blog.  But,  this is what I believe and what I believe the Lord IS (note present tense) teaching me.  HE waits as WE wait.  He waits for us, LONGS for us to say, "I can't", not because He's mean, plays tricks or has a superiority complex (even though He could if He wanted to, :))) but because He wants us to trust Him so intimately, so perfectly,  and with such abandonment.  He knows that if He has our hearts then we'll have HIS and we'll come to that place of perfect peace where those of us who wait for Him gather...gather to hear Him say, "I know you can't, but I can". 

Blessings to you as you wait...

Joy~~~~~~~